Saturday, March 31, 2012

When the madness comes

My own's my own madness...the one that comes after I dream of Zane, when I wake up and realise he really is never coming back, he really is dead, I really am not going to see him again, hear his voice again, his footsteps... Nope. As much as I don't want it to be true, it is.
I dreamt about him. I dreamt I was at the hospital next to his bed. He had been in a coma for 2 months. The doctor came to me and said I must sign a form so that they can take Zane off the machines & give him an injection. Then he will die. So I sign the form & when the doctor gives Zane the injection, he doesn't die, he wakes up. And not only does he wake up, he is full of energy, can walk straight away, talk - everything - just like he had never been in a coma at all! Of course, I'm all amazed by this, and slightly concerned, because there is a grave with his name on it. It seems we went ahead and had the funeral even though he was still around, because the doctors were so convinced that he wasn't going to make it, that they thought best get the funeral out of the way.
Okay - so there's me and Zane just freshly out of his 2 month coma, doing our rounds in the hospital - I dunno - like going from room to room and just looking. He is full of energy & smiling a big smile all the time, but funny enough never talks. But he's happy. So very happy.
Then I lose him. I don't know this happens, but I know it was because of something I did. Like I wanted to go to the bottle store or nip out for a fag or something like that & I lose him. So I go looking for him & I get to this room - a bathroom - it has a curtain around the bath, like a shower curtain & when I open the curtain, there's an enormous spider web from floor to ceiling, but it's not your usual spider web, it's a big square with smaller squares inside it. But when I opened the curtain, it got hooked on the web, do there's a part of the web ruined & I knows that this means the whole web is going to fall down & I dont know how I feel about this because there are lots of spiders about on the ceiling- small black ones - & I hate spiders, but the web is so beautiful.
I'm worried and panicky because I can't find Zane, although one of the big black nurses doesn't seem to think this is a problem, because there's already a grave with his name on, so it's not like I have to explain his disappearance or anything. But still I look for him... In the streets too, where I see a small child with her head down a drain pipe, but I don't help her. Instead I look away and tell myself if I don't see it, it doesn't exist.
Like I don't see Zane, so he doesn't exist.
I carry on down the street & back alleys, but I know he's gone & never coming back.

And then I wake up, & the madness is back.


  1. (((((((hugs))))))) That is all.

  2. Very moving Nicola. I pray you're ok. Sending you hugs through the internet ether. Vix x

  3. Nix, lost for words so instead sending you a good night's rest tonight with light and happy dreams that make you feel good in the morning. my love to you always, precious soul x x x