Mr Husband and I are bickering. We are saying the same things we always say. This is what I call a Circle Argument. Cue dog chasing its tail.
It goes 'round and 'round, this conversation. He says the same things he always says. I have the same responses at the ready as I always have. This is not helpful.
The circle is spinning faster and tighter, my chest tense with the stress of it all.
Round like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel, never ending or beginning on an ever spinning reel......
- This has to stop! I tell him.
He opens his mouth.
- No.This really has to stop. We cannot continue this discussion (relevant term) now. Not now. Not until we can find another way to do it.
He wants to say something, but I put up my hand to stop him.
- We need to find another way. This way hurts too much.
Later I am standing at the kitchen window looking out on the world moving below. Across the road are an elderly couple that keep their garden pretty in the summer and tidy in the winter. I'm watching them arrive home from getting their groceries. Or messages as they say in these parts. The old man holds the gate open for his wife and takes a grocery bag from her. He opens the front door too and stands back for her to go in first. I wonder about them. I estimate they are in their late 70's / early 80's. I wonder what they would tell me if I asked about the history of their marriage?
In the early hours of this morning, there is a commotion in the street and again I am at the kitchen window. This time the observation is not pleasant at all. There is a young man in the street. He seems to be drunk - or under the influence of something that is causing him to behave in an appalling manner. He is screaming and shouting at 5 policemen & the small crowd around him, pulling his shirt from his body & shouting obscenities. My heart pulls. This is some one's son.
The police bundle him into the back of the car.
Where are his parents? Why is he here?
I don't want that for my boys. And for some or other reason - as much as I realise there is no guarantee to the emotional success of your children, I do believe that they stand a better chance if they have both parents on their side, together, supporting them, helping them through this bewildering journey of life.
I watch the police car drive away and can see him fighting in the the back seat, his head swinging from one side to the other while one of the officers tries to hold him still.
I want us to raise our children together. I want us to be a family.
All I have is this: Love.
But, I know Love is not enough. Love needs companions. It needs Respect, Faith, Perseverance, Endurance.
Love, cannot work on its own like an undercover secret agent; it has to have support and back up.
Perhaps we can still find this.
At least there is Love. It is the first ingredient. And that we do have.